Always share positive feelings. One can never hear enough of them;
Never share negative feelings unless there is a specific constructive
purpose to it (resolving an issue before it gets out of hand, expressing
concern over a fixable issue, etc. etc.). Negative feelings expressed just
to get something off the chest, to make a minor point, to lash out, to put
down, to get your way, or to make an issue of something which cannot be
changed, can only have a negative effect on the relationship. Nothing
positive will ever come out of any of it, save a fleeting feeling of
satisfaction from spitting it all out;
Make each other feel like a priority, especially when you are unable to
treat your partner as such. In other words, at times when it isn't possible
to treat your lover as a priority due to extenuating circumstances, at least
take a few moments (doesn't take a lot) to share the situation with them,
and reaffirm your feelings;
Never let the sun go down without resolving anger or doing a daily mental
check-up. Put yourself in your lover's shoes and see how you would feel
receiving what you gave to them (good or bad) each day;
Once is an error, twice carelessness, more than that a habit. If you're
doing something which your lover has serious, justifiable objections to, nip
it before it is perceived as a habit. Some behaviours are very hard to
change, undoing the hurt to a cherished lover harder still. I'm not
suggesting you modify your personality to accommodate your partner, just
behaviours which are justifiably intolerable;
If a situation calls for a compromise and you're willing to make it, do it
sooner than later. Treat it like a job interview where you're willing to
meet your future boss half-way or agree to productive changes in your modus
operandi. Don't let your relationship reach that hopeless stage where you
feel there are no solutions. If you're going to do it, do it early on to
show your commitment, versus waiting until the last minute when feelings
have died and motivation and longevity have come under question. There truly
is a critical period for everything. Wait too long and you risk your lover
hitting the ‘too little too late' stage;
Always keep the passion alive. Remember it was the two of you who made it
happen in the first place, without outside help, therefore the two of you
can keep it going forever. That special magic is one of the few things which
is completely under your control – a level playing field which cannot be
taken away unless you decide to willingly let go of it. Don't ever fall into
the dull, blasé, can't-be-bothered-to-try approach once you know you've won
your lover's heart. If anything, the two of you falling in love should
merely mark a beginning – a beginning which paves the way to beautiful
things, since you will no longer have to waste your energy over draining
insecurities or worries around whether or not you'll be loved back;
When you talk to your partner, really listen. They need to know that of
all the billions of people out there you are the one who is most interested
in what they have to say. I'm not talking faking here. I'd sooner you fake
an orgasm than your interest in the love of your life. Genuine is the key
here;
Make sure your checks and balances are squared away as far as giving and
expectations are concerned. If not, sooner or later the overdrafts will ruin
your credibility rating. A partner who repeatedly gives, receives little in
return, even in the form of appreciation, will end up saying "the heck
with it" or pulling away from the whole thing, feeling that they'll
never be good enough and that their partner is best off without them;
Nurture each other and the relationship regularly. Meals, jobs, great
backyards, good kids, hygiene, grooming don't just happen by themselves. Why
should relationships? Ditch the misconception that beautiful relationships
just happen and last forever effortlessly. Sound like a chore? Don't let it.
Change your perspective and make it your hobby. Nothing will be quite as
enjoyable. A garden tended to as a hobby is always more delightful than one
created out of tough chores and obligations.
Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date), sex therapist/advice columnist/published author is Toronto's hottest offering to the relationship and sexuality scene. Known for her to-the-point teaching and entertaining delivery, Rebecca
gives her audiences what they crave, through her books, seminars, interviews, and advice columns.
