Intertwined, they lay together, glowing in the sheen of glistening
perspiration and post-coital bliss, skin fused against skin, unable to discern
where one began and the other ended. Sound wonderful - that enmeshing of
opposites into one agreeable entity? Absolutely! Why oh why doesn't the pull of
opposites extend into emotional enmeshing just as easily?
For millennia, many a
culture, religion, and ceremony have joined man and woman into one, not a pair.
This inherently implies two halves needing each other for completion, each
bringing its varied functions into the whole. Man's functions, by nature and
nurture, have been more goal oriented, woman's more relationship oriented. Where
man might need to look at facts, focus on the goal, and work toward results,
competition being his best friend, woman is the glue which keeps the ties and
connections strong, via nurturing and cooperation.
Man must do to feel good,
woman must talk. Man feels best when he's self sufficient, woman when she's part
of a strong interdependent circle. Sound like a complete and compatible picture?
Yes, except for the times when one needs the other and doesn't realize that the
caring response/method for their gender is different enough that it is often
missed entirely due to its unrecognizability factor.
According to the renowned psychologist, John Gray, the
most frequent complaint that women have is that men don't listen, while the most
frequent complaint that men have is that women are always trying to change them.
Sound familiar? Depending on your gender, you'll more than likely agree with
only half of that statement - the half that applies to the opposite sex.
Men
will argue that they do listen - how else can you explain the handy suggestions
they offer? Women will argue back that if men listened, they'd empathize, not
launch into "I know better" mode in extending their unsolicited
counsel. Looking at the other half of the statement, women might argue that they
don't try to change men, they accept them - even more generously than they
themselves are accepted by them. But then, men might argue, how do you explain
the advice that gets dished out along with a healthy dose of platitudes when
something goes wrong in their lives? That, women might say, is caring, as
expressed through kind, helpful words that encourage interdependence.
This, when
he needs his space to fix it all by himself? If he doesn't need directions to
find a place, no matter how fast that method might promise to be, why would he
need directions to fix what's gone wrong in his life - something that he's sure
he knows a heck of a lot more about than her? Sound familiar? Read on. For those
who think I must be from another planet, bravo, you don't need to worry about
the gender differences which haunt us earthlings.
Keeping in mind that we approach same issues from
different angles, however ridiculous (especially with the merging of gender
roles in the present times), we need to accept, embrace, and respect our
counterparts' tactics. For then and only then will we be able to recognize the
gracious gestures offered us, appreciate them instead of being appalled by them,
and feel good versus threatened by our mate's support.
Having scratched the tip
of the iceberg, do a mental study for yourself, observing how the opposite sex
works. Take time to learn the rules. All of them. Exceptionally well. Now that
you've collected your own data, seen it all for yourself, you needn't bash the
other sex in a conflict situation. You might just say, "Hey, I know how
that game is played," and revel in your knowledge of the sport, taking
pride in becoming a team player. It would certainly make for a more fun
participation.
Gentlemen, hear her out, allowing her a chance to rid her system
of it. She needs to talk about it as badly as you need time and space to
withdraw and fix your problem by yourself when it's your turn. Ladies, allow him
a chance to fix it on his own and feel good about the conquest. Remember, his
withdrawal is so he may focus on his problem, not because he wants to focus away
from you.
A problem solved is a solution that he can brag about to you,
impressing you instead of embarrassing himself in front of you. And while he's
away emotionally, know that his half can't stay away from you for too long,
since he will miss and need you soon enough and return crazier about you than
before.
Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date), sex therapist/advice columnist/published author is Toronto's hottest offering to the relationship and sexuality scene. Known for her to-the-point teaching and entertaining delivery, Rebecca
gives her audiences what they crave, through her books, seminars, interviews, and advice columns.
