Top Ten Points to Come Out Ahead
Handling Conflict
Up goes the mast to announce smooth sailing in the comfort zone, when
suddenly you hit rough waters out of nowhere. Now before you rock the boat, you
decide that it would be so much better to maintain the balance via cooperation.
Of course your mate doesn't act as well under pressure as you do.
You would
sooner make your point, give out the instructions, your way - who needs to have
conflicting game plans at a time like this - and have everything under control
(yours).
However, your mate has their own way of looking at the situation.
Waters roar, tempers soar, until no one can see clearly beyond the fog of
confusion. The goal switches from "peace of mind" to "piece of
him/her" - winning the argument taking distinct precedence over solving the
argument.
Sound familiar? Sure hope so, or one of you couldn't possibly be from
this planet. So how do we try to salvage a situation in ways most difficult and
unnatural to us? The answer: By focusing on the value of construction versus
reconstruction - more difficult than swallowing good points/pride here and
there.
Where do we start? At the beginning, before sinking into muddied waters.
Focus, focus, focus on the following top ten points and you'll come out ahead.
Try your best to maintain your cool. If you need a bit of time or a few
deep breaths, indulge yourself, because once those vindictive comments are
already out there, you can never take the hurt back. This is not to say that
you take forever, hoping that you'll both cool off enough so you wouldn't
have to worry about the problem any longer. On the contrary. All issues and
their underlying causes must always be addressed - preferably when you're
both up for it - before they fester and erupt again from growing resentment.
You must make time to work out your problems to both your satisfaction, in a
calm and collected manner;
Avoid laying blame on your mate. Rarely is anything just one party's
fault. Acknowledge your part, sharing responsibility for the problem, and
your partner will share the responsibility of fixing things up with you,
feeling that you're in it together;
Focus on the problem, not the person. This is especially important in
fighting the urge to create a blanket argument with "You
always..." statements which defeat all reason. Ditto for
counterproductive "You do it too" accusations. Your mate is less
likely to go on the defense if you point out your feelings versus attacking
their character, dragging their entire life down - despite their best
efforts at changing - just to make your point. "I feel hurt when you
leave me out of your plans" will make them want to reach out to you
more than "You always leave me out of your plans, from the moment I
laid eyes on you";
Keep things in perspective, making sure that the length and intensity of
an argument is in proportion to the weight of the issue being discussed. In
other words, don't beat minor things to death. Prearrange interesting ways
to mark "time out" - an egg timer; a hug, just as emotional
exhaustion begins to set in for one of you; whatever. My personal favourite
is holding both hands very early on in the argument, ensuring that you don't
raise voices when you need only raise an issue. With all said and done,
never let the sun go down on your anger;
Limit yourselves to one topic at a time. Mixing up different topics is
just as distasteful as mixing up competing spices - disallowing the chance
to properly appreciate any one of them;
Bounce the proverbial ball into your mate's court. Ask them how they'd
like to support you on a particular issue, involving them in the
solution/suggestion process. This works especially well when you need to
appoint them ambassador on your behalf, with their
family/friends/colleagues. The important thing to keep in mind here is that
you must be direct and specific, not sarcastic or manipulative, especially
if you want to get the most cooperation out of your mate;
Don't push for perfection. Remember, you're not perfect, neither should
you expect your mate to be. On the flip side, neither one of you should make
the other feel inferior. Should your mate do that to you, stop them right at
the outset. Use this knowledge to evaluate the relationship, not feel
powerless;
Listen to your mate, without feeling the need to comment, get defensive,
or put your point across. Once their anxieties are out in the open, you
might just be able to help diffuse them, appreciating their vulnerabilities
for a change;
Negotiate like adults, coming up with solutions that are fair to the both
of you, making each of you happier - and obviously more giving and fun to be
with;
Bottom line, no matter how bad the argument, don't assume betrayal,
realizing that you are in it together. Draw comfort from knowing that the
tension between you two has nothing to do with your love for each other.
Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date), sex therapist/advice columnist/published author is Toronto's hottest offering to the relationship and sexuality scene. Known for her to-the-point teaching and entertaining delivery, Rebecca
gives her audiences what they crave, through her books, seminars, interviews, and advice columns.
